1. Instead of shaving your arms weekly, add more hair to them and become a human blanket for your boyfriend in the winter.
2. Or remove every strand of hair from your body and scream through the night like an infant. Really embrace having baby-smooth skin.
3. No one wants to see their tiny reflection in your overbearing lipgloss, so apply shiny balm to your whole face for a more proportionate reflection.
4. See a man you like? Befriend his mother and get her to tell you what he’s wearing so you can pick a matching outfit each morning. Imitation is key.
5. Oversized jumpers don’t accentuate the curves and crevices of your body. If you’re really cold just set yourself on fire.
6. Cat eyeliner is for cats so whip on that eyeliner, crawl around on all fours, chase some laser beams, and become a cat.
7. Bangles that make noise when they hit each other are irritating. Commit to a life of silence by investing in soundproof clothing, surgically removing your voice box, and tip toeing to and from work.
8. Heavy perfume can be overpowering so buy him nostril plugs for Valentine’s.
9. Alternatively, roll around in a bed of flowers for 45 minutes each evening to get that soft feminine odour naturally radiating off your skin.
10. Stop wearing pantsuits. The Hillary Rodham Clinton look is not attractive to men. Men hate when women’s full names have five syllables.
11. Delete your emails immediately. Men hate those.
12. Fake fingernails are so 2005. Grow them out yourself until the sharp edges are so long they can curve all the way around his throat.
13. Don’t wear uncomfortable shoes and then complain that your feet hurt. Wear uncomfortable shoes and then cry into your pillow at night as the blood seeps from your feet into the bed sheets.
14. Avoid outdated heavy eye makeup that slightly resembles a raccoon by painting your whole face to entirely resemble a raccoon.
15. Or get the “no makeup” look men go crazy for with just 8 products and 40 minutes to spare each morning.
16. Men don’t like short hair. Grow out your luscious locks and drape them out the window while you stare longingly at the sunset.
17. Don’t over pluck your eyebrows. Don’t under pluck your eyebrows.
18. Don’t over accessorize. Don’t under accessorize.
19. Get a PhD in Mathematics and finally solve the equation for ideal accessorizing and plucking. Subsequently win the Fields Medal and bring honour to your family.
20. Don’t wear short shorts that show a glimpse of your ass. Wear trousers with holes for your ass cheeks so he knows exactly what he’s getting.
21. But don’t expose too much of your skin. It’s important to leave some to the imagination. Help prompt his imagination with sexy texts like “Just ate the piece of popcorn I lost last night, I found it in the bra I’ve been wearing for the past 3 weeks! ;)”
22. Fur is out. Insect skin is in.
23. Don’t lean forward while trying to push out your ass. Get your spine bent by a cosmetic surgeon so you can achieve optimum ass curvature while maintaining those perky boobs.
24. Instead of wearing fake eyelashes that bear resemblance to spiders growing out of your eyes, adopt and train two pet tarantulas to crawl around your face at all times.
25. Coloured lipstick makes it look like you just gave head to a smurf, which isn’t fair to human men. Give head to them instead.
26. Instead of dyeing your hair a weird unnatural colour, dye it the same colour as his.
27. Shave his hair off while he sleeps and glue it to your own head.
28. Fake glasses aren’t a fashion accessory. Read 50 books in the darkness until you need a prescription like a real woman.
29. Avoid misleading him by contouring just half of your face so he can appreciate how hot you look while understanding that you are a regular human being underneath.
30. Snapchat filters are also misleading so sport a flower crown over your dog ears when you meet him.
31. Delete Instagram and wear a #nofilter shirt at all times so he knows he isn’t being deceived.
32. Men hate high waisted jeans because they’re completely impractical. Overcome his worry by getting a waist-lift so your legs start right under your boobs.
33. Avoid wearing crop tops because exposing your belly button is disgusting. Who knows what might be in them?
34. Don’t get collagen injections to make your lips look fuller. Berate your parents for their faulty genetic makeup and begin to plot your revenge.
35. Thigh gap fixations are getting old. Glue your thighs together. Then add fins and a dash of glitter. Now you’re a mermaid and men love that.
36 Leggings are unflattering and unacceptable unless you’re going for a run, perhaps to escape the growing pile of dishes you’ve been neglecting.
37. Start running now. Never look back.